I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
