So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
