I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Randomize
