Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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