Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
