note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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