Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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