From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
