a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
