i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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