I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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