When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
