The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
