we have pet lesbian snakes
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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