One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
