No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
