I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Who put my cat in the fridge?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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