I think my vagina is haunted
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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