Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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