3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
