If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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