yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
