she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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