Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
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All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
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Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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