I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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