i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
where are my eyebrows?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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