If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I need a beard to bite.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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