so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
