I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
