Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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