Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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