I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
