Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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