If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
