Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
