Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I pour the whiskey from now on
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
