I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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