dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
