First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
