Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
whose parrot is this?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
