Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I am one with the molecules
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
