I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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