I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
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There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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