btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
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I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
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When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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