hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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