remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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