he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Quick, to the slutcave!
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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