she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
