just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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