he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Less talking, more tequila
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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