from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
