i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
