My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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