she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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