corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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