By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
