She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
